feelings

allison janney, the only celeb i really cared about.  photo by lorri vodi rupard.

coming down from 10 days of crazy juggling--between the kids & house, teaching & school, film screenings, press events, & review writing,  i let my little blog go.

& i'm feeling a bit blue.

& i missed you.

i had many thoughts, feelings (or "feeleens" as it's pronounced in utah), and epiphanies.  but i've grown wary of my epiphanies.  because when the epiphanic moment wears off, it's a huge, huge bummer, and i feel like a fool for having believed it.

i think i'll share any way.  because really, dear readers, sometimes i can't distinguish between true inspiration, too much caffeine, or my daily bipolaresque roller coaster ride of emotions.  maybe you can help me sort it out.  maybe writing it here, for the little portion of the world that visits me in cyberspace to examine, will help me know when to

as kenny rogers so eloquently put it:

know when to hold 'em

know when to fold 'em

know when to walk away

& know when to run.

so here are the Most Important thoughts and feelings i had as a result of attending sundance:

1)  writers need to learn how to create characters, need to do better at fleshing out rather than creating types or making corrective statements to the world with their so-called characters.  also, the absence of smiling or happiness does not = profundity.

2)  filmmakers need better writers.  i saw really superb acting, cinematography and even better editing skillz in practice, but without a good writer, you're screwed.

3) (here's the part you need to help me with--am i just totally delusional and manic right now?)  10 films in 20 years.  i have a plan.  woody allenesque.  come up with a modest budget that i can sustain and fund every two years, a style of filmmaking that looks great even without $$$, and a guerilla film company that is locavore in nature, but maxivore in impact.

4)  filmmaking for social change.  something different from redford's approach, not that his isn't great and super important, but a new angle on it.  something to do with open source, something to do with positive and real work by women.

5) will the high adrenaline, complex multi-tasking and hat wearing, and mix of visual, aural, language, and action of film making, if i am lucky and smart enough to do it, be enough to keep me happy for 20 years?

80's dresses, weekly writing goals

thrifted 80's dress reminds me of grandma eva.

ingrid thrifted this dress for me two summers ago.  i wore it once, to emily's rehearsal dinner, and then never again.  i love it, but am conflicted about it.  you see (let me school you a little on the 80's), back then, this was the kind of dress that my grandma eva, who had mad style, wore to bridge club, ladies' luncheons, and church.

not that it's not totally rad, but back then i was a confused sartorial and musical mixture of punk, new wave, and mod.  as actualized by a classical violin-playing introvert.

as confused as any gal growing up in the barren cultural landscape of mesa, arizona in the eighties.  with a bunch of jocks and metal heads.  has a right to be.

after watching the amazing documentary, everyday sunshine, about fishbone, who i saw live in tempe, arizona in 1986, i got some clarity on the idea of outsider-ness.  i was able to heal a little bit and wear the dress to church on sunday, despite the fact that my largely imaginary '80's mod peers would not have approved.

with ankle boots, tights, and slouchy socks.  just like in the 80's, and still a little bit confused.

this week, my writing goals are tiny and specific:

1)  consider new titles for gentian
2) do another copy edit of gentian
3) fix acknowledgements page of gentian
4) begin revising non-fiction piece for 1/25 deadline

i really wonder what everyone else wore in the 80's, or what you would have worn had you been born yet. . . .