Mo

moses loves that his birthday falls in the luckiest of lucky charms months.  green is his favorite color.

Moses turned nine this week.  Here are two things about him:

more shamrock-themed birthday times.

1) Three weeks ago, he discontinued kissing me on the lips.  Some of you will be relieved to hear this.  He at first cloaked it in the excuse that he didn't "want to make me sick," but it was pretty obvious that he's finally figured out that kissing your mom good-bye isn't super cool.  I realize it's time for him to move on, but I can't help feel a bit sad.

lucky rainbow sans pot o' gold.

2)  When he was born, i was convinced he would be dark haired and olive-skinned.  i don't know why. when i first saw his blonde hair and blue eyes,  i think i said something like, "wow, he looks like brad pitt!"  

he's a handsome little dude, and looks almost identical to his father.

birthday partay

why are birthday cakes so beautiful?  

eva's birthday party was great, thanks to lots of helpers and fantastic guests.

beehive cheese--barely buzzed.

but i'm too wiped now to write, so some photos will have to do.

anna and lula made the cake, the tables, the mojitos, and brought the magic.

grandma beth and bam, flim and lula.

cecily favored us with "cruella deville", as per eva's request.

if you have an event, call anna and lula.

awesome guests.  my favorite people.

the kids' table.

legwear: black tights, blue suede shoes.

inspiration: family & friend time.

looking forward: to a good night's sleep.

What About My Birthday?

Well, my responsibilities as a parent and the threat of severe weather plus tornadoes has kind of put a damper on my birthday week.  Yes, you read that right--birthday WEEK!  I still haven't attended a yoga class this week.  I had to work the morning of the free meditation class, and the movie/plus music I had planned to attend tonight in the park got cancelled (see first sentence above).

Summer birthdays are always a little problematic.  When I was a kid, it meant I didn't get recognized on  a school day.  It often meant I was visiting my grandmother in Utah on my birthday (which actually meant an awesome cake from Roe's Bake Shoppe in Payson); it meant friends at home were often on vacation.

The most beautiful cakes in the world.  Look at those daffodils!

I'm a Leo (like Mick Jagger--whose 69th bday is today--and Madonna!) so I've always wanted to celebrate it in a big way, and well into adulthood and now into my Gen X middle age, I've tried to mark it in ways that felt meaningful and significant. I actually learned this from my friend Jan S.  Back in 1989, she threw a small party for herself and served two kinds of homemade cakes:  one of them a cheesecake.  This was a revelation to me, and incredibly touching.  I remember her saying, "I realized that no one cared about my birthday as much as I do, so if I wanted a party, I had to throw one for myself."

Some birthdays are better than others.  Last year's was not so good.  I ended up doing something I thought would be easier for the kids, when all I really wanted to do was go to the movies and watch the Bill Cunningham documentary.  I did, however, go to the Momofuku Noodle Bar last year which was super fun, and we ended up getting caught in a downpour on our way home.  Sometimes my children are cranky on my birthday and are not feeling generous.  A few years ago, they were horrified that I insisted on riding the carousel in Bryant Park with them on my birthday.  Sometimes it's hard to share my birthday with my family who never--there's no way they can--feel as profoundly about my birthday as I do.

My best birthday was a surprise birthday party held in Salt Lake City on my 42nd birthday.  Lara was there.  It still ranks as one of the best nights of my life.

So, as this year's birthday looms, I'm not sure what to do for it.  I'm sad that I'm so far away from my friends in the west, people who have been long meaningful for me.  Sigh.

What did you do on your birthday this year?  What will you do?

Anyway, here's today's birthday boy, Mick.  This video's from my favorite Rolling Stone era:  early '70s Exile on Main Street:
  And Lara, I forgot to acknowledge another July birthday sister this month. My screwed-up, tight place girl, Courtney turned 48 on July 9:

cake porn

birthday picnic in southfork.  i'm making a really major wish here.

LARA: i look at images of cake online the way some people look at baby kitties.

yesterday,  a tough day, had me perusing the sites of some of my favorite bakeries, imagining the platonic birthday with the most perfectly round cake ever.

had me remembering cakes past,

planning future events

the kind of rumination that my therapist warns me about.  too much past and too much future

united in sweet, sweet cakery.

plus julie turley and i had to spend quite a bit of time chatting about what type of cake she should have for her birthday next week.

this is what a birthday cake should look like.

the pink dot
at ingrid's high school graduation time in 2010, i ordered a baskin & robbins ice cream cake covered in fondant polka-dots.  i love this cake, and would be pretty happy if i had it on my birthday every year.  it's a good cake for july, being composed of mostly ice cream, and the roundness of the polka-dot echoes the roundness of the cake and is so satisfyingly symmetrical, in a round ladylike way.  (and the polka-dots should be pink, always.)  so i order this cake, and i invite a few other graduates and parents for a little celebration. but something went awry with the polka-dots.  they were not perfect in any way, and looked like the owner's child had made and applied them. i was bitterly disappointed.

flash forward to my birthday, a month later, when i came home to find a perfect polka-dot cake in my fridge, put there by mary and dian, who had witnessed, and understood, my great disappointment in the first cake.

(christian thought it was funny, and didn't get that i was seriously upset by this sloppy cake covered in irregularly shaped dots.)

when i opened the box, my first thought was i'm not too old for birthday wishes to come true.


emily: bossing cake

emily with lula's 7th birthday rainbow sparkler cake

it is 2005 & i am as far from mental health as i have ever been in my life, excepting perhaps 2004.

the hapless mother of five, the ill-begotten doctoral candidate, with a newborn, a toddler on oxygen & what seems like a fortune in medications & averaging about three doctor's visits a week, not including visits to my therapist who is keeping me, barely, out of the psych ward.

in this state of body, mind, and finance, i am far from able to afford a bakery cake or to bake one for my own children.

lula's 7th birthday.  you can't tell from this photo that i am really & truly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  balloons and emily's rainbow cake distract from the real picture.  hopefully lula didn't know this.

yet i feel to not provide a cake for the christenings & birthdays, at least, would be unspeakable, would remove my last shred of dignity and hope for the future, and would confirm my failure as a mother, a woman, a poet, and a grad student.

all of those things baked and frosted into tangible evidence of success.

sweet potato cake with white chocolate ganache--emily made this for moses' christening day.  this cake is one of the family's, and now the neighborhood's, favorites.

in swoops emily, the reigning cake boss of the asplund family, with some cake magic.  relieving me of the baking pressure on many more occasions than i am documenting here, and providing the levity & festivity to get me through those bootless cries, that tantivy of sorrowful birds darkening my view, eventually taking flight and revealing bluer skies.

JULIE:  My birthday is in nine days but I've been thinking about this year's cake for well over a month.  Over the years, I've ordered cakes from Something Sweet (who just lost their license due to health concerns), Sugar Sweet Sunshine (whose large portrait of Jackie Kennedy over the counter always inspires me), a now defunct bakery across from Tompkins Square Park, Ciao for Now, and for the last several years--Whole Foods:  The New York store really does offer beautiful store baked cakes, and vegan versions, too.

Sigh, I feel like I'm becoming so old that my cakes have to keep getting better.  I'm still undecided.  I've even wondered if I should do a strawberry shortcake or a pie.  But I would miss the buttercream.

A. accuses me of having a quasi romantic relationship with my cake every year.  And I guess I kind of do.    I also love cakes rendered two-dimensionally in art.  Did you know that renowned American artist Wayne Thiebaud has a cake fetish, too?:  

And Lara, here is the Black Hound Bakery cake you picked up for Eva's 18th birthday in NYC.  And do you remember how exciting it was when we found out they had a cake with bees!  Remember how awesome our waiter was when he ceremoniously served the cake to E?  It was his idea to blowtorch the candles upright, too.

eva:  18, only a month or two into college in nyc, with a utah themed birthday cake

we ate a cake similar to this exquisite mrs. backer's vintage-y decadent buttercream fantasia one summer in slc for julie turley's birthday at the pleasure palace.  j.t. has introduced me to all of the most memorable and delicious cakes and cupcakes.  i can't wait to see and hear about the cake she chooses for july 26th of this year.  

blah blah

so not bland

today was kind of bland.  probably because i spent it grading.  no doubt because i spent it grading.

i will do the same thing tomorrow, then have a break.  then everything will be okay, right?

because at this very moment i'm on the brink of an existential melt down.

allow me to take a moment to reflect on the tangible evidence of the real and good in my world.

and to  show you pictures of the most unexistential thing in the world.

tamales.

mi amigos green corn tamales. thanks to my parents and brother david for their hard work keeping a high quality restaurant going and for being so generous with it.

these are from the family restaurants, mi amigos, bought by my parents in 1980 (or '81?) and now run by my brother in mesa and phoenix.

whenever my parents visit utah, they bring a dozen or two green corn tamales, frozen in a bundle, and a quart of the best green chile sauce in the world.  we so look forward to tamale dinner at my parents' condo on each and every visit.

every time, the menu is exactly the same:  tamales with green sauce, my dad's roasted chile salsa, "corn crisps"(a kind of open faced quesadilla on a corn tortilla), black beans garnished with cilantro and diced white onions, and shredded lettuce, tomatoes, and sour cream.

my dad's roasted chile salsa.

it's part mexican, part gringo, and 100% candland family tradition.

don't you love little boxes with presents inside?

so sunday was ingrid's birthday (have i mentioned that?) so my parents hosted a dinner for her.  the light was so beautiful, the table so warm, and lula's lemon curd filled cupcakes so tragically delicious.

anna did the pretty writing.  i added sparkly sprinkles cuz i couldn't leave well enough alone.

sexy close-up of lula's lemon curd cupcakes.

i'm lucky to have a great family and some really fun, strong traditions.  and parents who have worked really hard to create family unity and loyalty.  julie has reminded me on several occasions that i can't take this for granted.

the older i get, the more grateful i am for my family, and the more i realize how unusually blessed i am in this regard.

christian, mom & dad. something about the light was special that evening.

also lucky to have my 90 year-old grandparents around and my wonderful aunt bonnie who is like a second mother to me slash really awesome therapist/girlfriend.

feel the luv.

more details and photos of someone else's family dinner than anyone could possibly care about, but thank you for the indulgence.  i do feel slightly less existential now.

it's time to start talking about julie turley's birthday now, right around the corner.

first the third then the fourth

me & my beautiful mommy at guru's birthday brunch

provo is the most festive fourth of july city i know of.  people go nuts here.  our neighborhood is be-flagged.  every home has an american flag planted in the front yard by the local boy scouts, put up in the early morning and taken down in the evening.  hot air balloons are launched in early morning, we have a big parade that closes down many neighborhoods and streets, and the evening brings stadium of fire--a massive affair with musical acts and fireworks.  tonight's act is the beach boys.

many families hold their reunions around the fourth as out-of-towners like to come for the festivities.  our reunion is always held on the 3rd in Midway, so my birthday is always a holiday of sorts.  (i may have an overblown sense of importance since my mom told me how my birth was accompanied by fireworks.)

yesterday, my mom, sisters and daughters had birthday brunch at guru's.

ingrid is the baked good queen at exoskeleton.  birthday watercolor by moses.

ingrid stayed up all night baking--birthday shortbread with fresh apricot puree and toasted pecans, cakes and mini-cupcakes for my sister hilary's wedding reception tomorrow night, and birthday peanut butter m&m cookies in a hand-decoupaged tin for my birthday present.

is eva becoming a farmer?

eva and anna came to midway for the reunion bearing this breathtaking basket of produce, honeycomb, chicken and duck eggs from the urban homestead they're living in right now in salt lake city.

uncle tom's teepee, fire in alpine.

uncle tom's, where the reunion is always held, is an amazing place.  he has gardens, animals, and, the kids' favorite, a golf-cart they can drive around the property. here's the tee-pee against the backdrop of a huge blaze in alpine, utah that started yesterday.  this whole state is on fire.

annual whitaker family reunion cakewalk.  c. playing harmonium in the background.

every year aunt bonnie makes cakes and flower crowns & c. brings his harmonium for a cake walk.  this year moses won.  he ran up to me with his cake, "isn't this the coolest looking cake you've ever seen?  aren't you so proud of me for winning?"  i was.

sample one: sasha and eve

here's a small sampling of (a few of) my nieces, visiting from out of town.

sample two:  ruby and baby lara

my nieces and nephews are extra adorable and brilliant, as you can see.

slopping the pigs

before leaving the reunion, we slopped the pigs and visited the (on-site) cowboy museum.  uncle tom has an intense relationship with cowboy culture, having started the heber cowboy poetry festival which has now become a major national event.

trying to get evie to give me a little birthday kiss

the day ended with a baskin & robbins ice cream cake from c., who knows what i love (i'll be spending my williams sonoma gift card from him today), fries and onion rings from stan's with katie, and working up my duet with kristin (a michael jackson song. . . .)

this fourth of july poem by gregory djanikian will give you a small sense of how i feel in provo in the hardcore patriot season here.  i sometimes feel like an immigrant here--somewhat baffled by the weeping and waving, but also intrigued and amused.

and, because this poem is in what i would call the billy collins school, more narrative & expository than poetic, i almost don't wanna put it up.  but it's apropos, so i will.  it will be fleetingly expressive of a momentary emotion.

Immigrant Picnic

BY GREGORY DJANIKIAN

It's the Fourth of July, the flags

are painting the town,

the plastic forks and knives

are laid out like a parade.

And I'm grilling, I've got my apron,

I've got potato salad, macaroni, relish,

I've got a hat shaped   

like the state of Pennsylvania.

I ask my father what's his pleasure

and he says, "Hot dog, medium rare,"

and then, "Hamburger, sure,   

what's the big difference,"   

as if he's really asking.

I put on hamburgers and hot dogs,   

slice up the sour pickles and Bermudas,

uncap the condiments. The paper napkins   

are fluttering away like lost messages.

"You're running around," my mother says,   

"like a chicken with its head loose."

"Ma," I say, "you mean cut off,

loose and cut off   being as far apart   

as, say, son and daughter."

She gives me a quizzical look as though   

I've been caught in some impropriety.

"I love you and your sister just the same," she says,

"Sure," my grandmother pipes in,

"you're both our children, so why worry?"

That's not the point I begin telling them,

and I'm comparing words to fish now,   

like the ones in the sea at Port Said,   

or like birds among the date palms by the Nile,

unrepentantly elusive, wild.   

"Sonia," my father says to my mother,

"what the hell is he talking about?"

"He's on a ball," my mother says.

                                                      

"That's roll!" I say, throwing up my hands,

"as in hot dog, hamburger, dinner roll...."

"And what about roll out the barrels?" my mother asks,

and my father claps his hands, "Why sure," he says,

"let's have some fun," and launches   

into a polka, twirling my mother   

around and around like the happiest top,   

and my uncle is shaking his head, saying

"You could grow nuts listening to us,"   

and I'm thinking of pistachios in the Sinai

burgeoning without end,   

pecans in the South, the jumbled

flavor of them suddenly in my mouth,

wordless, confusing,

crowding out everything else.

birthday cake

my favorite cake, cream meringue tart cockaigne

julie, our birthdays are coming up.  what kind of cake are you craving this year?

have you read this week's horoscope from rob brezsny?  do you follow him?  

everyone, if you don't get your horoscope from brezsny sent to your inbox every week, do it now! he's my favorite.

here it is:  

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Every 10,000 years or so, reports the
*Weekly World News,* hell actually does freeze over. A rare storm brings
a massive amount of snow and ice to the infernal regions, and even the
Lake of Fire looks like a glacier. "Satan himself was seen wearing earmuffs
and making a snowman," the story says about the last time it happened. I
foresee a hell-freezes-over type of event happening for you in the coming
months, Cancerian -- and I mean that in a good way. The seemingly
impossible will become possible; what's lost will be found and what's bent
will be made straight; the lion will lie down not only with the lamb but also
with the sasquatch. For best results, be ready to shed your expectations
at a moment's notice.

well, i love being a cancer, and having a birthday in july.  even though it's june, and my birthday isn't until next week, i began celebrating tonight at dinner at sundance, with a piece of fresh blueberry pie.

julie, we both know that birthdays can bring a lot of mixed feelings, but this year i'm gonna do it up, even if it just means letting go of ambivalence.  i'm sick of ambivalence.  

maybe the upside of getting older can be a greater ability to enjoy what life has to offer and letting go of some of my hang ups about all that.

sorry for the premature birthday celebrating, but sorry i'm not sorry.  i'm looking for a big break through this year.  

this year i can't get enough poetry.  i'm reading and writing a lot of it every single day.  today i read alice notley, a favorite & wise poet.  also an old friend's story which, though not a poem, was poetic.  so that already made today a good one.

30th Birthday

by alice notley

May I never be afraid

                     especially of myself   

                                                      but

Muhammed Ali are you telling

the truth?      

                     Well you’re being true aren’t you and   

you talk so wonderfully in your body

                     that protects you with physique of voice   

      raps within dance

                              May I never be afraid

                     rocked and quaked         

                                                      the mantilla is lace   

                                                      whose black is oak   

But if I’m dark I’m strong

                                       as my own darkness

my strength the universe      

                                       whose blackness is air

                                       only starry

                                       lace

But if I’m alive I’m strong   

                                           as life

Strong as the violets

in Marlon Brando’s fist   

                                  his dissemblance flourished into truth   

                                                                                              She   

took them

I’d take me too      

                           I do

                  and my Ali I see you      

                                                   a hard bright speck of me   

the savage formalist   

                               authentic deed of gossip

                   a kind body