abstinence training: and makyth my body fre to god

sometimes i feel like i've spent most of my life learning to abstain, practicing abstinence:  from sex, alcohol, coffee, food, overeating, gossip, too much meat & butter, envy, tea, gluttony, murder, and slothfulness.

etc.

like a lot of us raised to abstinence, abstaining thinks to be a path to enlightenment or salvation.

some from this tradition engage, too, in a cycle of abstinence/indulgence.

***

for the past few weeks i've been trying to abstain from:

*diet coke
*peanut butter m&m's
*binge watching breaking bad

i abstained from two of the three.

that's a pretty sad list of vices.


***

margery kempe:

"Sere, yf it lyke yow, ye schal grawnt me my desyr, and ye 
schal have yowr desyr. Grawntyth me that ye schal not komyn in my bed, and I grawnt 
yow to qwyte yowr dettys er I go to Jerusalem. And makyth my body fre to God so 
that ye nevyr make no chalengyng in me to askyn no dett of matrimony aftyr this day 
whyl ye levyn, and I schal etyn and drynkyn on the Fryday at yowr byddyng." Than 
seyd hir husbond agen to hir, "As fre mot yowr body ben to God as it hath ben to me." 

chaste marriage  Kempe is determined, after 14 children, to enter into the category of chaste wife - maintaining the lawful bond of marriage but vowing not to exercise sexual relations.  She bargains with her husband: she pays his debts, he grants that they live chastely.  Virginal marriage was not an unusual status, and of considerably more advantage to the wife.  The status of a layman within civic and church organization was not appreciably changed, but a woman was accorded greater respect and social autonomy.  Widows were, in general, more advantaged than wives. In the late 13th century, Jacobus deVoragine compiled theGolden Legend, a collection of saints' lives ordered according to the liturgical calendar.  He also recorded rituals such as the Greater Litany on the feast of St. Mark (April 25) and the lesser Litany, also in the spring, celebrated in the three days before the feast of the Ascension.  He describes processions for both; for the Greater, he speaks of seven ranks of participants: first the clergy, then the monks, then religious, nuns, then children, then the laymen, then widows and virgins, finally married women.  This ranking gives some indication of the problematic position of the married woman that persisted even in Margery Kempe's time. Well-documented examples of virginal couples in the 14th-century can be found in "The Virginal Marriage of Elzéar and Delphine" and "A Holy Woman During the Hundred Years' War: Jeane-Marie of Maillé” in André Vauchez. The Laity in the Middle Ages: Religious Beliefs and Devotional Practices. Ed. Daniel E. Bornstein, trans. Margery J. Schneider. University of Notre Dame Press: South Bend, Indiana, 1993.  

***

yoga and celibacy:

Celibacy and yoga meditation go side by side. The yogi is however, essentially a Brahmacharya, i.e. the yogi has renounced all desires and acts of carnal pleasure. He redirects his carnal stimulus and converts them to exercising the cosmic energy derived out it to the task of meditation and commuting to his spirituality. A minimum period of sexual abstinence for 12 years is required to attain celibacy, and this is no easy a task. Sexuality is the final touch to attain enlightenment. It also entails the practice of mental celibacy.

***

dante:

Gluttony--like lust--is one of the seven capital sins (sometimes called "mortal" or "deadly" sins) according to medieval Christian theology and church practice. Dante, at least in circles 2-5 of hell, uses these sins as part--but only part--of his organizational strategy. While lust and gluttony were generally considered the least serious of the seven sins (and pride almost always the worst), the order of these two was not consistent: some writers thought lust was worse than gluttony and others thought gluttony worse than lust. The two were often viewed as closely related to one another, based on the biblical precedent of Eve "eating" the forbidden fruit and then successfully "tempting" Adam to do so (Genesis 3:6). Based on the less than obvious contrapasso of the gluttons and the content (mostly political) of Inferno 6, Dante appears to view gluttony as more complex than the usual understanding of the sin as excessive eating and drinking. 

***

fasting is quite fashionable right now.

what used to be such a once-monthly torture for me as a child is now a cure-all for obesity, allergies, migraines, inflammatory diseases, metabolic disorders, what have you.

(i remember how delicious a snuck bite from a saltine tasted, or a spoonful of raisin bran in ice cold milk stolen from my younger siblings, who were too young to fast.)

an added side benefit might be finding the true way, experiencing god through your body, freeing up your body from digestion so it can experience other sensations.  

***

i was so angry when the state of utah (it's sorry excuse for a legislature, that is) decided to offer abstinence only sex-ed to students.  as we've heard in the past few weeks, this type of education puts kids at risk, and not just for unwanted pregnancy and std's.

i want my kids to decide what they're going to do with their bodies with full knowledge,  all they can get.  and, really, i don't want to have to tell them EVERYTHING myself.  

i'm sure they don't want that either.

luckily, more reasonable policies prevailed.  a lot of parents felt the same as me, and a lot of us got active and made the legislature do the right thing. 

*** 

i read about this guy,

a gay mormon dude,

who went to a monastery to explore celibacy as an alternative to a gay relationship.  he spent three months there, considering if it was an option for him.  the monks told him that if he had to consider it, it wasn't an option for him.  they told him it had to be a calling.

it seems like most of the stories i read:  of yogis, visionaries, mystics, monks and anchoresses, employ abstinence after a vision or calling.

i know people who have been miraculously blessed through abstinence.

i know people who have been irreparably harmed by it.

so,

i think abstinences of all kinds are to be chosen in full knowledge, with blessing and vision, 

not out of compulsion and guilt.

lds/eqat fast for mountaintop justice

ingrid at a mountain top removal protest in west virginia.

i've long been inspired by ingrid's commitment to action for change.  this sunday she organized a fast in solidarity with eqat and the people of west virginia to bring an end to mountain top removal coal mining.

a few thoughts came to my mind as i participated in today's fast:

1) why is fasting effective?  in the mormon tradition, we fast once a month and give the money we would have spent on meals to feed the hungry.  it's a very pragmatic approach with a direct correlation between going hungry and feeding the hungry.  mormons also fast for miracles and guidance:  for inspiration to make a tough decision, for a cure to illness or sorrow, or on behalf of others they know are suffering.  in other traditions, fasting can call attention to an injustice, or be an act of devotion towards god.  i kept thinking of claims i've heard while practicing yoga, that the practice of yoga makes one a more peaceful person, therefore rippling peace out into the world.  i thought about how fasting changes the individual participant, and the power of collective fasting. this ghandi quote came to mind: The only devils in this world are those running around in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought.

2) miracles.  sometimes i feel discouraged about the ability of my actions to create change in the world.  oftentimes i give up. i read these words about fasting in the lds hymnal today, and felt inspired about the act of witnessing, gathering, and believing in miracles:  as witnesses, we gather here to thank and to attest, of mercies and of miracles. . . feed thou our souls, fill thou our hearts, and bless our fast we pray.

3) i thought about something i saw on a protest video against coal-top mining.  in it, some locals descried the participation of "outsiders" coming to protest an issue in their community.  i could see how it would feel weird.  on the other hand, when people tell you not to speak because you're an "outsider," you have to start wondering what's going on with "insiders", and why they are resistant to transparency.  two quotes came to mind, first, the famous quote from martin luther king, jr.: injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. and also this quote from judy bonds, the so-called godmother of mountain top removal activism who said: if coal is so good for us hillbillies, then why are we so poor?  (also, bonds is a shero of mine.  she found herself in mid-life and accomplished a tremendous work before her untimely death.)

i've been inspired by ingrid's example, and by hearing about the work of eqat, and also renewed today in my commitment to fasting.

bravery, skirts, & you may contribute a verse

french connection skirt, thrifted in seattle last summer

i decided to try a little harder today and wear my french connection skirt, fuschia with a nearly 12 inch border of red mohair, thrifted from the lake city way value village in seattle, which is where all our best family thrifting is done.

the skirt is tight-ish and hard to style, and requires some effort to wear.  today was a day that required effort, so i decided to match it with a little more of a sartorial stretch.

1)  i taught my first locavore cooking class of the new term.  it's big and intense and we made asparagus with hollandaise, meyer lemon tarts, fettucine alfredo (what the kids ALWAYS want to make), and a sharp cheddar fondue with cubes of marble rye.

2)  one student is going through a difficult and dangerous transition.  he's very brave.  i won't reveal what he did today in order to protect his privacy, but it was big & bold,  and i admired his moxie.

3)  i was fasting, day three.  done now, but it required a little more effort to get through the day.

4)  taught my first poetry class of the new term.  i asked the students to bring in a poem that really spoke to them and one of my favorite student poets brought in this, from whitman:

Oh me!  Oh life!

by Walt Whitman
 

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                       Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

these verses rocked me today.  thank you, o student, for bringing it before me again.

o walt!

i can think of nothing right now more affirmative than that last line, the idea that we have the privilege of contributing a verse in our endless city fill'd with the foolish, in our sordid crowd, our empty years and recurring questions.  

how hard, but how lucky!  to have a life & to have the opportunity of contributing a verse! 

legwear:  bare

inspiration: the bravery of one who goes against the dominant culture

looking forward: to seeing my sister tomorrow!

ego work assessment

a student's awesome outfit/every day dressing/i LUV red shoes

following julie's example, i went back to january's initial posts to get a handle on where i am in working on the stuff i set out to do at the year's start.  the first thing that struck me was this:  julie's street fashion photos rock!  if you haven't read the whole blog, scroll through the photos and you'll be really inspired to get your game on in your daily dressing.  (i happen to think every day dressing is important and can make your life a lot more beautiful, no matter what your circumstance.)

the second thing was this:  i've written a lot about ego, and that seems to be the emerging theme of this year.  how much do i do things in order to fufill certain egoistic expectations and how much do i do things because they're good and true?  i set out to make this year about the latter thing.  not so sure which is dominating in the battle between a life that is lived for the wrong reasons and an authentically lived life.  i'm on day two of my fast, and it feels great.  i started it for twin reasons, one of them egoistic and one of them in an attempt to be a better, kinder, more humble person, more in tune with the beauty and goodness in the world.  both reasons are still there, coexisting fairly well, i must say.

i wonder how often other people think about the situation in which we humans find ourselves, trying to sort through seeming contradictions between motivation and action--how one can be bad and one can be good, both at the same time.

but here's what i set down in january:

1) something meaningful to write about everyday:  this has actually come to pass.  writing something every day has made the day more meaningful.  julie and i have both managed to post something every single day of 2012 so far.

2) every day beauty: the blog has been a sort of gratitude journal, and it's helped me realize, like ayun halliday said in her guest post on monday, that i have nothing at all to complain about.  it's made me more observant of, say,
the awesome outfits my students wear every day,
the daffodils under my window surrounded by snow,
the AMAZING mountains my home snuggles up against,
the fleetingly beautiful holes in my seven-year old's smile,
& the more than bountiful circumstances i was born to.

those are the important items from my list.  i feel good about that, and inspired to keep consciously working, at least until the summer equinox!

legwear:  sweats.  but i'm about to change into argyle knee socks.

looking forward: to folded laundry, graded midterms

inspiration:  gratitude enhanced by hunger

p.s. i'm reading rebecca lindenberg's column this week on mormon-belt food.  loved her post on funeral potatoes and community.  that tension again between belonging and outsiderness that may or may not be adequately smoothed over by the balm of creamy condensed soups.  i happen to live in the heart of the heart of zion, and this tension exists every day, many times a day.

fasting and eating

cookbooks like this abound, but don't tell the whole story

i'll be micro-blogging today because i start a fresh term today and i'm madly putting together a new course on the literature of place.  i'm up early working on this, but, quickly, here are three things about today:

1) i'm starting a three-day fast.  fasting is a tradition i grew up with, and it's done for several explicit purposes, once a month on the first sunday.  in my neighborhood, the deacons, twelve-year old boys, come to your house and collect fast-offerings after church.  then they say a prayer for your family while standing at the door.  then you donate the cost of the meals your family missed while fasting and the donations go here to help feed and clothe and house the needy.  (this is an important institution that speaks to our utopian and communal beginnings.) people also fast to achieve inspiration, answers to prayers, and to gain spiritual clarity.  today i'm fasting for those reasons, but also, honestly, i'm going to arizona in a couple weeks and need to wear a bathing suit.  and, for reals, aunt carol told me last week that after 48 hours of fasting ketosis sets in and you get a little bit of a hunger soar.  "life gets so, so simple," she said, making her week-long fast sound like the best high in the world.  so, body hate, ketosis, remembering the poor, and spiritual clarity will ricochet around in my head, heart, and flesh for a few days, and i guess that's the point.  to address complexity with the simplicity of the fast.


2) i woke up and read the second post in a brilliantly written mini-series about mormon-belt food and culture from rebecca lindenberg over at the best american poetry.  this is some of the most detailed and nuanced writing on the subject i've encountered, and i now know where i'm going for tapas next time i'm in boise.  luckily i'm not hungry from fasting yet.  also, rebecca has a new book of poems out that has received much praise and notice.  i'll be reading, not eating, her work for the next few days.

3)   rehearsing with the byu chamber orchestra this afternoon.  they're performing a piece set to my poem how to be spring for tenor and orchestra.  i'll be reading sections of the poem before each movement of the piece, but what i'm most concerned about here are sartorial questions.  i'll be up there the whole time, for the duration of a long-ish piece, so do i go sequined soprano diva although i'm not singing, or do i wear a low-key black dress and try to pretend that, shucks, i'm just the poet?  i mean, the audience should have something pretty to look at shouldn't they?  my laws, you all know what answer i want from you.

legwear:  nada.  i'm in my nightgown still.

inspiration: mormon-belt food writing.

looking forward: to my ketosis high.  aunt carol better not be lying, dammit..

my hairdresser says everything will be turkish this year

 
this is probably my favorite movie of all time.  check out the relevant scene beginning at 38:13 until about 40:00.

it's march.  know what that means?  right.  time to pin down 2012's first quarter trends.
 
1) fasting--every day for seven days some one has mentioned fasting in my presence.  two people said it improved their migraines, one person their allergies, i heard about it from two different yogis, both irl and online, and radio west had an hour long program on fasting this week.  i'm calling this one.  it's an official trend in white people problem solving (migraines, allergies, body hatred in general.  is that too harsh, too sweeping a claim,  or is it wrong?)

2) savory sweets-- seriously,  people, has anyone been to a serious eatery in the past year that didn't offer a dessert featuring sea salt, chilis, or herbs?  think about it and get back to me.  i remember a couple years ago the ny times fleur de sel chocolate chip cookies were big, but i think 2012 took the movement of savory sweets into full swing.  lula made these rosemary cookies yesterday, and i just ran into this savory/sweet roasted chick pea today.  i would venture to say that if you're an old school piece of chocolate cake ungarnished with a salted carmel or a red chili/dark chocolate ganache, then you're a laughingstock of a dessert.

3) mid-calf skirts/lady clothes--i've been seeing them on julie's blog, in the mags, and then when e. and a. came to visit for spring break, and came home from the deseret industries laden down with arms full of 90's sisters in zion skirts and dresses, i figured the deal was already done.  i'm preparing my self for jumpers, frankenstein shoes, and shortskirts/long jackets.  this has probably been going on for ages in n.y.  we're slow to adopt and slow to let go of trends out here in the wild west.  i won't complain, though, as the 90's were pretty damn good to me.

4) barre workouts--you already know how devoted i am to yoga.  it's changed my mind, my heart, my life.  but some time soon, something new will take root.  there are all these people hating on yoga lately, like here in the ny times (btw, i don't condone this article.  if you care, ask me for my rebuttals), and then there's a lot of talk of barre workouts.  i like to think yoga is true and real, and not just a trend.  we'll see.

5) alternative grains and flours-- & not just for gluten allergies any more.  folks are exploring some rad flavors and textures in quinoa, nut flours, chickpea flour, rice flour, and i'm sure lots of other stuff i haven't worked with yet.  i'm all for experimentation and bio-diversity, but also look askance at poor people's food that is suddenly selling for 11 bucks a pound at whole foods.  nevertheless, i'm making this recipe as soon as i procure 7 cups of walnuts.

6) jeremy lin--i have nothing whatsoever to say about sports, but if i've heard of an athlete & i know what sport (s)he plays, the trend is perhaps already over.  plus i need to get all the way up to ten things on this list.  this one's an act of desperation.

7) pinterest--like sports, i don't do crafts, but apparently there's more than just craft(work) ((craftwork=satan?)) on this site.  a lot of people i respect are devotees.  i may become one yet, especially because yesterday my co-work sauntered into lunch and made me uber-jealous by eating this idea from pinterest:

8) salad in a mason jar--on the bottom layer of the jar marinates mushrooms and avacado in vinaigrette.  clearly the mushrooms are becoming plump and savory while the avocadoes are refraining from turning brown.  wickering atop the mushrooms and avocadoes is a layer of red peppers looking beautiful and also adding some sweet crunch.  then a light frost of crumbled roquefort protected by a roof of spring greens.  when you're ready to eat, upend the jar to distribute the vinaigrette.  clearly anything in a mason jar is of the moment.

9) having crushes on ugly people--i heard that this is a thing from my college-aged daughters, and who am i to question their wisdom? plus i've always believed it myself, and i love it when a thing i approve of already becomes a trend.  remember the opera singer in amadeus? "oh, but herr salieri, looks don't interest me! only talent interests a woman of taste." (when salieri questioned her crush on the apparently unattractive mozart) ((check out the clip up top)).  i've always found steve buscemi and bill murray quite attractive, and, though i would never date him because he's clearly a d-bag, woody allen seems to have no shortage of hot dates.  also, in the t.v. world, there's nurse jackie and her younger, hotter husband.  

yay for ugly women with hot men.

10) kale-- i mean,  i never personally want to eat this green without frying it in a big scoop of bacon fat, but all the healthy white people are drinking it, making soup with it, baking it into chips, and letting it soften in lemon juice and eating it raw.  





legwear:  black tights, before it got too hot and i had to take them off

inspiration:  the cultural markers of 2012

looking forward: to hearing simon shaheen play tonight