Bystanding: Confession & Apology

The firs LDS Relief Society presidency.

“All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality. It gives the segregator a false sense of superiority and the segregated a false sense of inferiority. Segregation, to use the terminology of the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, substitutes an "I it" relationship for an "I thou" relationship and ends up relegating persons to the status of things. Hence segregation is not only politically, economically and sociologically unsound, it is morally wrong and sinful. Paul Tillich has said that sin is separation. Is not segregation an existential expression of man's tragic separation, his awful estrangement, his terrible sinfulness?”

“I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”                                                   

 --Martin Luther King  A Letter from Birmingham Jail

Ordain Women on their way to ask for admittance to LDS General Priesthood Session.

This weekend, I stood by while a group of brave women showed up in Salt Lake City to request entrance to the all-male priesthood session.  Though the women and allies of Ordain Women were denied access to the meeting, their actions definitively shaped the discourse of the October 2013 sessions of The LDS Church General Conference. Concerns about gender roles, and especially the roles of women,  were addressed in each session.  

The talks about women continued in the beloved and much defended Mormon tradition of benevolent sexism.   (Despite complaints by those who feel this stereotyping and limiting of Mormon women is damaging and offensive.)

These sermons were delivered by all men and only one woman.

None of the speakers, however, answered the main question asked directly by OW: will you pray for revelation about female ordination? Speakers fell back on explanations that were neither fully reasonable nor fully evidence based, even in the documents of our own history and scripture.  Some of the questions I wish we could talk about more explicitly and accurately include: 

1.

Why was female ordination revoked (there was no acknowledgment in the meeting that early female ordination existed, despite the fact that anyone who can Google can discover this fact.) Instead, there was a tacit implication in several talks that the priesthood has always been held only by men.  I believe the wording was deliberately carefully vague in order to avoid statements that might later be challenged by facts of history.  Nonetheless, the implication that priesthood has only ever been held by men hung over the conference without explanation or evidence-based backing.

Where is the sin in asking for and expecting transparent, fully truthful explanations?  If the answer around female ordination is, “we really don’t know right now,” tell us.  If the answer is, “We believe Joseph Smith was wrong to allow women to ask him to start the Relief Society/receive revelation/inquire of the Lord about Word of Wisdom, etc.,” tell us.  If the answer is, “We think female ordination in the early days was different from female ordination now,” say that.  If the answer is, “It says here that only men should hold the priesthood.  We are going with that scripture rather than this scripture here for X, Y, and Z reasons,” please tell us.  If the answer is, “We don’t yet know how to address female ordination in a global church that we are only beginning to understand,” why not just say that?

Parsing words and being opaque can make listeners feel there is a need to cover up or hide.  Transparency shows confidence and belief in what you are saying.  On the part of members of the church, asking for clarity from God, leaders, or in discussion with other members implies that you care, that you want to know—how is this a sin?  We should not be afraid to ask, and we should be answered with full transparency.

2.

Peoples of African descent (and their allies) asked the same question before 1978: will you inquire of the Lord for revelation concerning ordination for all worthy men?  Why were the priesthood privileges of men of sub-Saharan African descent revoked and then subsequently restored?  The revelation to restore priesthood to all worthy men occurred upon many petitions by Mormons concerned about equality to the prophets David O. Mckay and Spencer W. Kimball.  Members of the LDS Church asked McKay, and then Kimball, to inquire of God about this racist practice. Though priesthood privileges have been restored to "all worthy men," there has been no subsequent apology or explanation for why this racist practice was part of our church for so long.

In the October 2013 conference, we heard that the priesthood is God’s priesthood to be restored or bestowed when and where God wants it to be.  What is the difference between the restoration of the priesthood to all worthy men and what Mormons concerned about sexism in the church are requesting right now?  Why was it seemingly okay to ask about that, but not about this?  Why were African-American men able to "get a meeting" with the First Presidency while women have not been able to "get a meeting" about female ordination despite decades of petitioning?

3.

What is our common definition of equality, and do Mormons really believe in equality? Do we agree on the definition of the word “equality” contained in the dictionary, basically:   “Being equal in status, rights, and opportunities?” If the answer is yes, we all agree on this definition, then we need to admit that our church is okay with inequality, and we need to explain why. 

In fact, I think we need to acknowledge that equality is not our primary goal, that it is secondary to other purposes, such as our belief that enacting separate gender roles is important to preserving order on earth and in the church.  9 and 1 are not equal.  They are different numbers, and they have different roles in different equations.  By definition, equal means same or exact in terms of quantity.  This fact of equality is quantitative.  Most discussion of gender roles in the LDS cosmology addresses qualitative issues.  Qualitative issues can not replace quantitative in discussions of equality. In true equality, both the quantity and quality of opportunity, status, and rights have to be the same, not 9 and 1, but 1 and 1, or 9 and 9 .  

Or am I misunderstanding the definition of "equal"? (As opposed to the "feeling" of equality.)

Most people who lived through “separate but equal” have agreed that there is no such thing as "separate but equal."  Dr. King says, “Segregation is morally wrong and sinful.” As a church, though, we continue to hold on to this notion of “separate but equal," without a fully articulated defense of how “separate but equal,"  in the case of gender, operates as simply “equal" in the case of the LDS church. "Separate but equal" is the main rebuttal I've heard given over and over again by those who do not believe inequality exists in the Mormon church.  I want to know how those holding this view believe that "separate but equal" can work in some spheres and not in others.

If you are white and you don't feel discriminated against, you can't claim there is no racism.  Personal experience can't determine whether  equality exists in a system or institution.  Only weighing and measuring can accurately tell us whether or not equality exists in any particular realm.

Private institutions have the right to determine how much equality they will enact, and individuals have a right to participate or not participate.  I mostly wish we could be more honest about how much we value equality in our religion.  If we feel it is less important than other concerns and purposes, we should admit that and explain why, not continue to claim, against reason, that there is no inequality in our organization.

***

For months I’ve been trying to work out why I continue to be a bystander on this issue of female ordination.  For months I’ve been feeling guilty for acting like (and being) the “white moderate” Dr. King talks about, the one who is worse than the out and out bigot, the one who has an investment in the status quo and therefore upholds the status quo, the one who covers up the ugly boil of injustice so it cannot heal in open air. 

Why did I not speak out and show up at the OW event?

1.  

I’m tired and scared.  On a daily basis, the balancing act of children, work, and church leaves me feeling like I could fall off the tightrope at any moment if anything tips slightly or goes even slightly awry.  Maybe I felt like I couldn’t take the emotional fall-out of involvement in such an event—an event that would surely take a large emotional toll on my psyche.  The difficulty of living in an all-Mormon community when I have such strong objection to inequality takes a daily toll on me.  The pain of misunderstandings and differences with the most beloved people in my life, all Mormons, is something hard to explain to those who say, sometimes in honest bewilderment and sometimes in angry callousness:  “Then why don’t you just leave?”

Beginning in my teen years, I was upset about inequalities for women in the church, and was shut down by mansplainers in leadership meetings when I raised issues of sexism and gender discrimination in the youth organization.  I watched my feisty Laurel teacher also get shut down when she tried to defend me. Eventually, I stopped talking, at least publicly. 

I suppose I wasn’t sure I could take the shut down one more time. 

2. 

I’m conflicted about ordination.  Let me be clear:  I am not at all conflicted about the righteous act of questioning and inquiring of the Lord and our leaders for clarification on issues we don’t understand or want further light and revelation on.  I am in full solidarity with the women who attempted to attend priesthood on Saturday, October 5th 2013.  I believe the act of doubting, questioning, and searching for answers is following the model Joseph Smith set forth when he received his first revelation, and then subsequently organized the church to allow for a hybrid theocratic and democratic institution.

I am conflicted about what priesthood is, what it means to hold it, and about my personal connection to it.  What would it look like to ask a sister or mother to give me a blessing?  I can’t even imagine.  And perhaps because I have a more ecumenical notion of worthiness, I don’t want to think that some of my sisters are more worthy to bless me than others simply because they have followed a checklist of church and temple attendance, adherence to word of wisdom and tithe paying, and have been ordained.  Many of the sisters I know who bless me the most are not “worthy.”  They are not and have never been Mormon, or they are what we call “apostate”.   The sisters who seem most worthy to me are those who bless others because of their goodness, tolerance, wisdom and love.  Some of the best women I know would be worthy to hold the priesthood, and some wouldn’t. In short, I don’t place priesthood power above the power of good behavior, whether or not you drink a cup of coffee in the morning. 

3.

I still haven’t worked out the whole gender roles thing.  Being of the generation of second wave feminists, the generation who is feeling around in the dark for how to enact a more equal society, I feel quite muddled at times.  I was raised in a very traditional household, and I am myself a rather traditionally hetero-normative woman.  I like to cook and be home with my children (I also hate to clean, decorate, and craft), to wear heels and lipstick, and I love my career.  I have loved receiving priesthood blessings from my father and husband.  I have loved praying with my children when they can’t fall asleep at night because they are afraid, or when they are hurt or sick.  And that act does indeed feel separate but equal to me.  

We are a family of women’s college alumna and attendees (currently three alumna from Mills College, Barnard and Sarah Lawrence –after it was made coed, however--and one attendee at Bryn Mawr).  I value homo-sociality, perhaps more than most, and am not sure how this fits with priesthood and relief society respectively. 

Women of the first Relief Society.

Although I suppose Relief Society is no longer truly homo-social as, unlike at its inception and continuing through the 1960’s, it was when it was administered by a female leadership. 

And, contrary to popular belief, men ARE invited to the General Relief Society (they preside over and speak at this meeting, and a few random guys were coming in and out during the session I attended at our Stake Center. There were no female ushers there to tell them, “This meeting is for women only.”)

Finally, I’ve always loved the sound of words containing the suffix “-ess” and have been only too happy to reclaim this diminutive as an act of feminism:  poetess, authoress, speakeress, etc.  Being a “priestess” just appeals to me more than being a boring old “priest.”  I suppose I would rather have my own thing than borrowing his thing. 

(And by thing, I don’t mean to imply any(thing) in the Shakespearean sense.  By thing, what I mean is no(thing).)

Women leaving the LDS Tabernacle after being denied entrance to the Priesthood Session.

4. 

  

 I adamantly support the right for a Mormon woman to choose whether or not she can be a priesthood holder.  Equality means equal access.  Period.  If women cannot make their own free choices, if their choices are dictated by an all-male leadership, then it follows that they are not equal in “status, rights, and opportunities.” 

This is a denotative fact. 

The end. 

To continue our current paradigm of what Mormons call “ gender equality” is to say something along the lines of what Victorian men said about female superiority in the 1800's:  “Sisters, you are better than us, and therefore we need to make decisions for you in order to make up for our inferiority to you.”  Holding women on a pedestal is not the same thing as equality, although this is a popular argument used against those who hold that there is gender inequality in the church. 

Popularity does not equal truth, though Ruth Todd, spokesperson for the LDS church, used this as one of her main defenses when asked about the OW movement when she said in her official statement:

"Millions of women in this church do not share the views of this small group who organized today's protest, and most church members would see such efforts as divisive.”

Those who listen to General Conference each April and October will remember that we hear a “popularity does not make it right” sermon at least twice in every session.  

When is this reasoning correct and when is it incorrect?  Can the same flawed reasoning be used in correct and incorrect ways?

5.

I am deeply concerned with the disenfranchisement and exclusion of Mormon women from the leadership of the church.  I am one hundred percent sure that we would have a stronger organization if our leadership was split equally between men and women. 

I’m not sure this can happen unless women can be ordained.  We heard in October 2013 Conference that women have a special role in the lives of children.  The lives of Mormon children are shaped by decisions made by the church leadership.  Having a female primary leadership does not cover the gamut of decisions being made for and about Mormon children.  If we really believe that “working with children” is a special dispensation for women, then we need women working in every single capacity of LDS administration, because every capacity of the church affects our children. 

Today, the Monday after my sisters were turned away, shunned, and dismissed. My daughter Eva was there, holding a card for her sister Ingrid, who has never, ever been afraid to speak out against inequality and oppression.  

Today, I’m relieved I didn’t attend.  

I still don’t know how long it would have taken me to recover. 

And, today: 

I’m sad and ashamed that I didn’t attend. 

I wish I had been strong enough to stand up with my sisters.  

I’m sorry that I didn’t. 

This is my apology, and my timid attempt to continue the discussion around equality in the Mormon Church.

p.s.--

I am thrilled to hear opposing viewpoints, especially ones that use sound reasoning and evidence, are thoughtful, seek greater understanding, and are nuanced.  However, you should, before posting your rebuttals, read this list of reasons that I've already researched, considered, and discarded.  If you don't have a fresher or more nuanced perspective to offer in rebuttal than the ten reasons in this post that I've heard hundreds and hundreds of times without being convinced, you may not be able to convince me now with those same reasons.  

I will however, cherish every kindly and sincere attempt at dialogue and understanding, whether or not we agree!

lds/eqat fast for mountaintop justice

ingrid at a mountain top removal protest in west virginia.

i've long been inspired by ingrid's commitment to action for change.  this sunday she organized a fast in solidarity with eqat and the people of west virginia to bring an end to mountain top removal coal mining.

a few thoughts came to my mind as i participated in today's fast:

1) why is fasting effective?  in the mormon tradition, we fast once a month and give the money we would have spent on meals to feed the hungry.  it's a very pragmatic approach with a direct correlation between going hungry and feeding the hungry.  mormons also fast for miracles and guidance:  for inspiration to make a tough decision, for a cure to illness or sorrow, or on behalf of others they know are suffering.  in other traditions, fasting can call attention to an injustice, or be an act of devotion towards god.  i kept thinking of claims i've heard while practicing yoga, that the practice of yoga makes one a more peaceful person, therefore rippling peace out into the world.  i thought about how fasting changes the individual participant, and the power of collective fasting. this ghandi quote came to mind: The only devils in this world are those running around in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought.

2) miracles.  sometimes i feel discouraged about the ability of my actions to create change in the world.  oftentimes i give up. i read these words about fasting in the lds hymnal today, and felt inspired about the act of witnessing, gathering, and believing in miracles:  as witnesses, we gather here to thank and to attest, of mercies and of miracles. . . feed thou our souls, fill thou our hearts, and bless our fast we pray.

3) i thought about something i saw on a protest video against coal-top mining.  in it, some locals descried the participation of "outsiders" coming to protest an issue in their community.  i could see how it would feel weird.  on the other hand, when people tell you not to speak because you're an "outsider," you have to start wondering what's going on with "insiders", and why they are resistant to transparency.  two quotes came to mind, first, the famous quote from martin luther king, jr.: injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. and also this quote from judy bonds, the so-called godmother of mountain top removal activism who said: if coal is so good for us hillbillies, then why are we so poor?  (also, bonds is a shero of mine.  she found herself in mid-life and accomplished a tremendous work before her untimely death.)

i've been inspired by ingrid's example, and by hearing about the work of eqat, and also renewed today in my commitment to fasting.

GITP Monday Guest Blogger Ingrid, aka Bing, Bingle, Ingy, or Bingie

the fabulous ingrid

editor's note:  so, yeah, ingrid is my daughter, but also a (s) hero of mine.  she's such an inspiring person, and i can safely say that at least once a day somebody tells me that ingrid is also their hero.  she has dealt with many difficulties and obstacles in her life, always with so much grace, style, and wisdom.   i can brag about her since all of this is despite, not because of, the fact that she has me for a mother.  she's way hardcore, and she got that entirely from her father.  so i should only get credit for having good taste in choosing a partner.  

ingy and mama

1.  Are you in a tight place?  If so, what are you trying to do about it? 

     As a college student, I feel that it is my duty to be on a tight budget and a tight schedule. I don't really have a lot of say in the matter, but I try to think of it as a necessary part of the college experience so I don't get too bummed out about it. To illustrate, it is five thirty in the morning and I am working on a lab report that I wanted to send in at midnight. I am not great at chemistry, but I still can't get used to budgeting five-ish times as much time to get my work done for my General Chemistry class than it takes other students. I'm sitting in a nest of papers, books, my computer, and rose petals (long story) on the floor of my hall. When I finish this lab report, I have to write a take-home exam to turn in in class tomorrow (er, today) which means that I probably won't be sleeping at all tonight. I also try to embrace the "poor college student" archetype-- I'm wearing a thrift store skirt and a free box sweater and my midnight snack (perhaps "breakfast" would be more appropriate) was straight peanut butter from a jar I've been refilling at the dining hall's jumbo peanut butter canister. I even made a label for my beloved jar that reads "Hunger Trumps Dignity".

ingy's hallway study nest

In terms of what I'm trying to do about my tight budget and tight schedule, my favorite method is to try to keep a good sense of humor about the whole thing, mostly because I know that I'm just a kid and that not having enough time or money doesn't really matter because nobody else is depending on me to feed or take care of them. There's not a lot I can do about my tight budget, so I try to make peace with that, especially because I am currently receiving the best education money can buy and making a fuss about scooping dining hall peanut butter into a jar I've been refilling since August seems in poor taste considering the Fancypants University for Refined Ladies I'm attending. 

I could certainly do something to make my schedule less tight: I could quit one of my jobs, give up my pre-medical dreams, drop one of my dance classes, step down from the leadership of one of the clubs I'm in, give up one of my TV shows, or learn how to say no, but as Captain von Trapp tells us, "Activity suggests a life filled with meaning." I love being busy with places to be, and I am very open to the possibility that I'm addicted to meetings, but whatever the case may be, I'm at a point in my life where I can pull an all-nighter with relatively few consequences and nobody gets neglected if I'm out of my room all day, and it feels really good to be a part of a variety of engaging and exciting groups. This is all a very long way of saying that the only thing I'm doing about my tight schedule right now is trying to have a sense of humor about it. Also, let's be honest: I probably spend as many hours daily on Facebook and NetFlix and talking about nothing with my hallmates as I do asleep, so it's not as if there's absolutely no way I could get more sleep if I really wanted to. 

ingrid at her school for young ladies

2.  What do you want to get done this year?

      Thinking about one year in a holistic way is hard for me, since my calendar years tend to take the form of a weird triptych-- the last semester of one year, summer break, and the first semester of the next year. The one thing that I will be working on all year long is earning money to pay tuition, which is a little bit boring. This year I hope to completely finish my two semesters of General Chemistry so that I can move on to Organic Chemistry, Physics, and Calculus (which I will probably stumble through with as many tears and all-nighters as I need for Gen Chem), make more things (I am majorly inspired by Rozsika Parker's The Subversive Stitch), risk arrest as part of a Non-Violent Direct Action with the Earth Quaker Action Team, and develop my aesthetic values. 

3.  What inspires you? 

     I try to keep a running roster of (s)heroes, including professors, parents, classmates, carved owls that decorate the exterior of my dormitory, and people I haven't ever met, and today I am particularly inspired by agatha olek for her audacity, her reappropriation of traditional femininity in a guerilla setting, her dedication to her craft, and her playfulness. 

4.  What is your favorite legwear? 

      Wearing clothes is always a tiny bit uncomfortable for me, so as much as I love tights, going bare-legged is always my first choice. I don't especially enjoy shaving my legs, but I do like having bare skin through which I can feel the sun and the wind, and I love feeling skirts and dresses swirl around my legs. Also, I don't think this counts as legwear, but I absolutely love wearing boots.

swank

so many little moments of inspiration today.

& so many little sad and happy moments.

first: the mountains.

the mountains.

i fell out of bed and went up to sundance with c. this morning to wait in line for ninety minutes for the best of fest tickets, free to locals, for the sundance film festival. the line was long and cooooold. i couldn't feel my toes. but the company was good. we waited in line with a dozen friends (locals) who are stalwarts about attending the festival (a half-dozen of these friends were siblings in one of those dynastic mormon families--cool, smart, liberal, interesting, artsy and large in number all with the same wide nordic eyes and cheek-bones. it thrills me that as adults they still like to hang out and attend sundance together).

then a short jaunt for a 44 oz. diet coke/dr. pepper cocktail at chevron with eva and friends before c. took her to the airport, manhattan bound again.

i will miss my beautiful girl more than i can say.

i imagined new york, and missed it, and wondered for the thousandth time what calls me back to the mountains always, though i see myself as one more at home in the gleaming temple of civilization rather than wandering the back-country of timpanogas.

then a glorious, swank afternoon with ingrid and lula, eating seven-layer bean dip with fritos in my bed and watching 9 to 5. o dolly! and lily! and jane! and their early eighties office attire.

that morning, on the drive down from sundance, i read in byu's student review a quote from political science professor valerie hudson, on her way to a swank endowed chair or something at texas a & m, saying that she didn't feel lds women were allowed their full equality: "despite the lds church's revolutionary doctrine concerning women, lds culture, lds traditions, and lds chapel practice often do not live up to the doctrinal vision we have been given by our prophetic leadership. . . . we as a people must stop living beneath our privileges on this score."

hudson has some interesting views on feminism, politics, and gender, many of which i disagree with, but i thought she was spot-on with that assessment. and she has done some of the most important work i know of in establishing the truth that gender parity is one of the most essential factors to the success of the human race with her woman stats project. she has provided sound empirical data that national security and welfare are dependent on the degree to which the women in a nation are a) alive and present, b) educated, and c) have access to freedom in public life.

for that reason, she's one of my heroines.

and the idea that we must "stop living beneath our privileges" rang out to me today with many implications. it goes back to the recent themes i've been harping on about living without regret, noticing the things that are free and good and appreciating them, and also perhaps a bit of re-framing for myself.

for instance: i don't need to pine for the skyscrapers of manhattan when i've got the skyscrapers of the wasatch mountains so close by that i can touch them. can i see them as temples of culture, the rock formations as sculpture in the MOMA, a hike as an artistic act?

so, anyway, though, back to dolly & co.: when they haplessly end up kidnapping their sexist boss who had been endlessly harassing all of the women in the office, dolly, his secretary, realizes that she can "sign his name better than he can." dolly, lily, and jane immediately set out to implement such progressive policies for the office as on-site daycare, job sharing, colorful decor, and, most importantly, equal pay for equal work by writing a plethora of memos signed by dolly.

the gals know they've been living beneath their privilege, and they take that privelege back for themselves, creating better conditions for all of the workers in the office, male and female.

mmmm-hmmm.

then ingrid requested a little american in paris for her last hour at home. i spent an hour wishing that gene kelley was fred astaire, and that someone else had written the script. still fun, though. and "paris" was real swank.

then ingrid left for bryn mawr. wah. not before, however, making me laugh so hard i cried whilst she kept saying hilarious things in german about her wandernkostum.

you probably had to be there.

i feel a little sad and empty with her gone.

then cecily learned to make rice, and, with almost every crumb of food in our house eaten up, we ate beans and rice and a winter salad with the few vegetables left in the drawer.

but i just read this, from alex kapranos' fantastic little book sound bites:

mme. taroudant brings me a tagine d'agneau. The clay is black with splashes hardened by the unforgiving fire, the ghosts of a thousand meals. Prunes fall from the stone. l'agneau falls from the y-shaped bone. i can't tell what kind of bone. i try to summon some knowledge of agneau anatomy, but give up. i don't care. it's magnificent.

i don't know if kapranos has some sort of ghostwriter or what. he's a damned good writer and sound bites is one of my favorite food books.

now lula and i will finish sons of perdition, a surprisingly beautiful documentary about kids who leave the fundamentalist polygamist community of colorado city. i haven't finished it yet, but so far i recommend it.

free things: re-reading and re-watching books and movies around the house, using up all the food in the house, sitting at the table with the kids, laughing with ingrid, thinking a lot.

inspiring things: don't live beneath your privilege.

legwear: dammit. same jeans four days in a row. finally threw them into the laundry. finally a shower and change at 6.30 pm. in an hour i'll put on a decent outfit and go to a party. it will include either black or grey tights.