tuesday: a list

better times will come again, no?

1) stayed in pajamas writing all day.

2) writing what?  well, my post about the anita hill documentary premiered at sundance 2013.  hopefully it will be up on bust tonight or tomorrow. 'twas a draining task.  you'll see why when you read it.

3) ate:  popcorn, blt, peanut butter m&m's.  diet coke.

4) did not:  clean house, do laundry, cook anything, grade, correspond with students, put on an outfit, lipstick or earrings, or read anything.

5) made one trip to doctor's office with mildly sick kid.

6) wondered:  should i take a shower and get dressed now?  or how about now?  wait, what about now?

hope your day was better than mine!

week-y

from the christmas card that never got sent. 50 of them are sitting right next to me as we speak.

i'm in one of those agoraphobic, anhedonistic moods:  don't want to get up, do work, talk to anyone, leave the house, etc. 

i try to resist getting too deep into this mode.

i already told you about s.o.l.e.

next week i need to focus on some really specific goals and getting back into the routine of the practices that keep my own personal black, panting dog at bay.

so here's the plan:

1) yoga on tuesday, thursday, & friday.

2) meeting with special collections librarian on thursday to work on my mapping salt lake city project.

3) work on two poetry commissions. finish one of them!  (it's already late.)

4) meet with committee chair.

5) submit poems to ten places.


what are your plans for the week?

how do you keep the black dog at bay?

coaching

houndstooth check shift from julie; i wore it for two consecutive days because i miss julie soooo much!

at the end of the artist's way, you commit to continuing morning pages, artist dates, and to checking in weekly with an artist's coach.  (i love morning pages; i hate artist dates and just can't make myself do them.)

i'm super glad i have a coach to check in with, because the past few days have been some of the hardest, the tightest, of 2012.  and yesterday i thought i might fall apart completely.  it was one of those days where i had to talk myself through every breath, every step, of the day.

anyone else ever have those days?

i talked to my coach last night and she told me a bunch of stuff i kind of already know (except for number 3--that's new and i'm gonna try it), but it's different to hear another voice telling you besides your own inner voice, which under difficult circumstances can get muddled and confused.

my coach told me:

1) you already know what to do.

2) ride the wave.  hard times and good times both are fleeting.

3) draw your story on a whiteboard. (i need to do more investigating on this.  it seems like something my whole family could use!)

so,

do you have a coach?

if not, you should.

my coach is one of my dearest friends, a relative, and a person who has unofficially helped me through more difficulties than i can possibly count--including being a labor coach at two of my births.  she's just super talented at coaching.

i also have a few people i think about when specific problems arise--i try to imagine what that person would do when faced with a challenge i know that person is good at handling.  i think about my very organized and practical sister when i'm getting too complicated.  i think about julie when i'm getting dressed and i know my outfit isn't quite right.  i think about ingrid when i want my life to be more magical.  i think of c. when i'm trying to find a workaround for a seemingly intractable problem--he's a genius at that.  i think of eva when i feel like i'm not entitled to ask for what i want or need.  i think of bam when i'm trying to infuse my day with structure, fun, and meaning.

i could go on and on with this list.

the point is, i guess i've used self-coaching for a long time, unconsciously, but it's really interesting to do it more deliberately and with more awareness.

i also did s.o.l.e. on monday and tuesday to try to get through those days.  i'm sure it made me feel better, like, merely horrible rather than completely hideous.  & i wore the houndstooth shift julie sent back from nyc with c. BOTH days.  it just made me feel good to wear something from julie, since we're so far apart geographically.

on monday i wore it with burgandy tights from h&m, the only tights purchase i've made this year, and on tuesday the charcoal tights from last winter, my go-to tights.  with a putty colored crocheted scarf/shawl because it was chilly and overcast yesterday.  i think i liked yesterday's look a little better than monday's.

it's time to fire up every last coping strategy in my tool bag to get through the next super tough eight weeks.

i'm open to ideas, ladies.  or gentleman.

wednesday: a list

1) hiked up rock canyon at 7 a.m. with kirsti & talked about women artists with her until i realized i needed an inhaler to get up any higher.

2) got lula off to camp.

seeing francesca woodman show in nyc.  i forgot to write about the show.  but i will.  it was terrific.

3) signed up three kids and me for the summer reading program at the provo city library (aren't you proud, julie?) brought home two armfuls of books.  i hope julie will post/link us to some of her fabulous librarian lists.

4) poured over one of my new library books, ad hoc at home by thomas keller.  this book is seriously beautiful. i'm a little jaded about cookbooks, but this one really got me all excited to cook again, as i've been a little burned out/not home of late.  tomorrow i plan on making brioche from his book.  also excited to make the five melon salad when the melons come on.

5) wrote a poem, using the "rock, paper, scissors" prompt from april's poetry month daily prompts feature from janet mcadams (and a couple from me, as well.)  i'm working on keeping up a daily poetry practice this june.

6) went to monica's yoga class with eva.  gave in to the temptation to do shoulder stand, which always kills my neck, and sure enough, my neck is dead now.

7) taught my online class.

8) washed and dried but did not fold a load of laundry.

9) looked for interesting new places to submit poems.  didn't find them yet.

10) thought about how lame my parenting has been for the first two days of summer.  need to get a plan, a schedule, or something.

11) watched 3.5 episodes of restaurant impossible.  it's really not a great show, and yet i can't stop watching it and imagining what i would do if it were my restaurant.

12) researched soup dumplings and found a good looking recipe for them.  cecily requested we make them (she checked out a novel about dumplings from the library today, dumpling days by grace lin.)

13) read a couple of interesting poems from allen grossman's collection, titled after the poem how to do things with tears.

14) got into my nightgown at 6 p.m.  got out of bed at 7.30 to eat the delicious baked pasta with spinach and tomato prepared by eva.  did the dishes and crawled back into bed.  what's wrong with me?

legwear: yoga pants, day two.  that's a warning signal for me.  i need to get into some more structured legwear/outfit tomorrow or risk sliding into the black hole.

inspiration:  thomas keller!!!!!!

looking forward:  a new day with no headache and more structure.  also, more poetry writing.

practicing sanity, health, gratitude, creation

eat your veggies--monday's salad

what keeps you sane?

what keeps you healthy?

what keeps you creative?

what keeps you gracious?

(am i weird for needing to work at these things constantly?)

or gets you back on track when you've lost your way?

isn't it fascinating how people work things out differently?  how what works splendidly for one person doesn't work at all for  another?

i have a short attention span and intense obsessions followed by intense burn-out, so i have to change up my practices all the time.  when i realized this, strong practices became a much more regular occurance.

(well, it did take forever for me to learn i needed small simple practices in the first place.)

here's one practice, that i already blogged about.

& of course you know that girls in a tight place advocate living deliberately through legwear choices.

another practice is eating my vegetables.  this week i resolved to have one mostly vegetable meal every day.  it went well sunday and monday.  today, josh the sandwich boy offered me half of his tuna salad studded with celery & dried cranberries on toasted jalapeno-cheddar bread, so my mostly vegetable lunch went uneaten.  but it's a practice, right?  meaning some sessions are stronger than others, and when the universe offers you a terrific sandwich, you would be stupid to not accept that gift.

over tuna salad, i asked josh about his practices for creativity, and he gave me this one:

i keep folders of ads, photos from magazines, newspaper clippings,
pressed flowers, leaves, interesting texts,  etc.  
rocks, bugs, sticks,
and feathers go on my window sill and mini-shelves, 
making my environment visually rich.

color palettes, the way handwriting looks, anything.
but it has to be tangible, has to be in a folder, 
it can't be digital.
electronic files never get looked at.

i asked a few more people who have interesting practices, and i'm waiting for them to get back to me.

i also really liked this idea from brenda miller's blog spa of the mind, and started working on writing my intentions and blockages this week.

i think i'll work on this a little every day this week in addition to eating more vegetables.

feel free to post your practices & your favorite vegetables in the comments.

inspiration is slow in coming & the baroness

my favorite baroness schraeder dress

but to inspire means just to breathe in, right?

so i just took a breath just now

& another one

& no ideas came.

just a tiny clear space with a big mountain sitting right in the middle of it

so i can't see a horizon line at all.

i have no ideas

only plans to:

1) do something to make girl art more prevalent.  watch this, read this, and read this.

2) plaster bright pink "sexual assault prevention tips guaranteed to work" along the provo river trail.  still pissed.

3) order copy of body sweats by the baroness von freytag-loringhoven from mit press. (it's on my exam list).

and some questions:

what is the baroness schraeder's best line and best dress in s.o.m.?

what do you do to facilitate the making, promotion, and notoriety of lady art?

inspiration:  becoming more baroness.

legwear:  jeans that i picked up off the floor next to my bed this morning.  same ones as yesterday.  no s.o.l.e. today.

looking forward:  yoga with dean, dinner date.