|filled up morning pages notebooks, my artist's shrine, and cameron's book. some of the tools.|
when i started, i hoped to have some sort of huge break through where, finally, i would figure out what my "true" artist's calling was. eventually, i realized this artist's way process felt a little like what i was taught to do as a religious young person in order to gain a sure knowledge of the gospel of jesus christ. in my religious training, we were taught that if you read the word of god every day, had a sincere desire, prayed day and night, fasted, "went into the wilderness," either literally or figuratively, you would be given the gift of sure knowledge.
i know many people, in fact, many people who are the very most beloved humans in my life, who have a sureness and a belief that they would be willing to die for after completing the steps outlined in the religious training of my mormon faith tradition.
perhaps my idea of what should have happened, what should have been revealed to me, blinded me to what was learned instead. since i was focused on one outcome, i may have failed to notice other equally good outcomes.
i started feeling this same way about midway through the artist's way. that there was a specific way i should be feeling, a specific kind of break through that a "good" artist would have in this process. this is not necessarily anything to do with the book or the program itself. i'm pretty sure it's my own context and mindset that produced this feeling, this obsession with other people's breakthrough stories: so-and-so had a huge breakthrough in week 8, so-and-so discovered that she should _______ and she sold__________ and moved to________ and started a ________________.
i admit, i got fixated with other people's artist's way break throughs. i also admit that i'm still really obsessed, and i'm dying to hear other people's stories about this. but, in the end, i had a different sort of break through, one that's still in process, one that i'm still trying to understand.
i finished the twelve week program today, september 2, 2012. i had a lot of micro-insights, and a few larger ones as well. here's a short summary of some of the things that came from working through morning pages every day for three months:
|today's big picture: sunday dinner old school.|
|farmer's market salad--again! heirloom tomatoes, cukes, cilantro, avocado, feta & vinaigrette.|
3) the deep breath in & the deep breath out: i've learned i really have to pay attention to the moment i'm in, not the one that's coming, not the one that's already happened. the literal deep cleansing breath is one i take many times a day to remind me to stay in the moment. what does it mean to live a moment fully, beginning to end? i don't really know, but it's something i'm working on, and it seems like it's important to continuing to get work done every day.
|finishing salt and rosemary rolls.|
tomorrow i'll do some yoga and meditation and morning pages, i'll work on a poem and read a poem, i'll practice some music and write some scenes for a film project, the meditative part of my day will start again with cooking dinner and sitting at the table with my family, as we do on most days.
|the most caloric mashed potatoes in the world with mushroom gravy & roast beef.|
i can't wait to hear the wisdom of some other people out there. how do other people keep their work moving forward, integrate worthy pursuits with daily life, get inspired?
hearing these stories what keeps me going.