cook-crastination & other forms of delay

a suggested tight to wear to the opening of BLACK LACE BBQ

eva came up with a brilliant term for a phenomenon i've been undergoing for years, but didn't have a name for:

cook-crastination.

it's when you have a pressing deadline, so you decide

instead of working on, say, a job application, a grant proposal, a paper, or the laundry,

to plan and cook an elaborate meal.

today i decided to work on creating a barbecue sauce recipe. i don't know why, because i don't even like bbq that much.  it involved dark chocolate.  the sauce would be called:

L's  Sweet Silky Smoky Spice Sauce

and i planned in my head that i would bottle it up for holiday gifts

and wrap a black lace garter around the top.

because it would TOTALLY go with my new restaurant concept (also conceived today):

Black Lace BBQ

The sauces would involve dark chocolate and smoked chiles, kind of mole-esque, and the rubs would be made with cocoa and chile.

The mac n' cheese would be sexy.  Silky Golden Orr Mac.  The mashed potatoes rich and creamy.  Of course there would be lava cakes.

The servers would be sexy.  Of all shapes, ages, sizes and orientations.  In tight jeans and sexy aprons. Black lace.

As if in New Yorker's fantasy about eating BBQ in the country, lickin' sauce off a hot person's fingers.

Maybe in Texas.

Probably Texas.

And when they show up at Black Lace BBQ, they're like:

this is way better than my fantasy. 

Everyone's hot!  And wearing Black!  And sexy boots.

Everyone's feeding each other ribs and licking sauce off each other's fingers!

lemon ricotta crepes

***

and rather than finish my reading of romantic poets today (why are there so many romantic poets, and why do i have to read so many defences of poetry written by them? and why do they tire and annoy me so?  and fill me with such dread?  i've decided it's because they're so damned anxious about their reveries, reputations, and readers.)

i also:

-online shop-crastinated

-blog-crastinated

-wiki-crastinated

-envied-other-poets-by-checking-out-their-bios-and-websites-crastinated

-onlinechat-crastinated-with-julie

-plan-crastinated (this is my worst habit:  i thought about:: my new puppet opera, various grants i should write, a hand-made book series i want to write, starting a restaurant, a new screen play, and a radio show i would produce, create and host.  that's just for starters.)

now i'm off to cook-crastinate by making dessert crepes with lemon ricotta filling and fresh peaches. because it's the end of peach season.

so i have to do things with peaches now.

legwear:

my legwear of choice for fall '13

i only have one viable pair of tights from last season.  heather belnap jensen gave me a beautiful pair of sky blue tights i was saving to wear when it got cold enough, but they were kidnapped by lula.  i haven't seen them since.

it's time to find some fall tights.

i'm wondering if tights will even be a thing this year.

and dreading the day when, as in the early zeroes, bare legs, even in winter, were your only possible option.

also, i'm wearing a pair of wine-colored velvet cords from the gap a lot lately.  they're stretchy, skinny, and tights-esque.

p.s.  i'm so glad it's october.  my favorite month:

Autumn

by T.E. Hulme

A touch of cold in the Autumn night—
I walked abroad,
And saw the ruddy moon lean over a hedge
Like a red-faced farmer.
I did not stop to speak, but nodded,
And round about were the wistful stars
With white faces like town children.

ladies, step up and out!

i always love these twenties flapper shoes like grandma eva wore

yesterday i wore tights for the first time since last spring.

i pulled on a pair of last season's tights (cranberry colored) under a dress that is now three seasons old--a grey sort of shift type thing that has seen better days.

i had two simultaneous thoughts:  1) i'm not ready for tights! and 2) i miss blogging.

i thought about starting a brand new blog--and why not?  

it still might happen.

but at least for today, i'll stick with the trusty old girls in tights blog.

it's gloomy out today, in a beautiful way, and the mountains are just barely turning their fall colors.  at the advice of my daughter, i wrapped in a quilt and sat on the back porch in the middle of the day and just looked at the mountains.  she told me to say out loud, "there is a rhythm and flow to life, and i am part of it."  i did what she told me to do, and it made me feel a lot better.

did i mention the part where i was feeling super crappy today?  

well, no one wants to hear about that old thing.

but, i was having a bit of a melt down.  

the kind that a daughter shouldn't have to witness in her trusty ol' mother, but she got me through it.  

so one thing i can't feel crappy about today is my wise daughter.  

and all the wise ladies i know.

i had already reached out to my baby sister.  actually, i was about to call her when she called me instead.  she always makes me feel better.

as i thought about who i could turn to for support, so many women came to mind.  

it's a stale line, but it's true.  and until i come up with a fresh line, i'll just have to use this one again:

i feel so grateful for the amazing women in my life.  

the lack i was feeling today began to fill with daughters, sisters, aunts, and mothers. 

i simply can't wallow in the face of such feminine, goddessy richness.

***

there's a lot of lady times stuff going down in my neck of the woods:

1) the ordain women action taking place a week from saturday.  a lot of hateful chatter is darkening the internets right now, relating to the ordination discussion.  this makes me sad.  but it also shows that this topic needs addressing.  by everyone.  no matter what your opinion is on the subject.  if someone in our midst wants to talk.  if anyone in our midst wants to talk, of high or low profile, of any walk of life or "worthiness" as determined by our ill-bestowed judgements about other folks's moral purity, it is our sacred duty and obligation to listen and respond with thoughtful, kind, and sincere reply.

my other wise daughter, ingrid, who has actual professional training in direct action, told me something like, "it's a really bad sign when you get NO reaction to your work.  it's a better sign if you get a lot of blowback."  so, i'm hoping the discussion will continue, but that it will get smarter, more nuanced, and more productive.  i hope with every fiber of my being  (that's more utah church-speak, in case you're not familiar) that shaming, judging, and name-calling will have no part in mormon sisterhood.  that behavior is shameful and harmful to us all, as a self-proclaimed body of christ.

if we're gonna talk that much talk, mormon people, we better get right on up and walk the walk.  i'm not seeing that happening right now.

i have many feelings on this ordination subject, but i still haven't figured out the right time and place and way and venue to talk about them.  i don't even know exactly what i want to say.  

sadly, i don't feel all that safe discussing these things in a public forum, and i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one.  

in the meantime, this is the most important thing to me right now, and the thing i feel most sure about:

mormon ladies, give your sisters a safe place to talk.  if we don't feel safe airing our questions, doubts, struggles, etc. in the sistership of church, then where?  i've known too many women, starting from the time i was thirteen years old, who leftthefold (that's mo-speak, too) because they were judged, shamed or criticized for having the wrong something or other:  skirt length, body type, mannerism, make-up, piercings, marital status, economic status, job or not job, number of children or not children, visual aids, boob job or not boob job, level of household cleanliness, enforcement of dress and grooming standards in offspring, attendance at movies of a certain rating, sexuality, etc.  i've even heard, on a few occasions, horrible, disgusting name calling and labeling at church.  i can't ever forget that, and it makes me not want to speak out even when i know i should.  

it's truly sick.  and not sick as in "rad", sick as in super twisted and wrong. this is a terrible "tradition of our fathers (i.e. mothers)", and we sisters are fostering and continuing it. it makes no sense for us not to be, instead: 


a fluffy bed of down 

or a green pasture for anyone 

who is hurting or questioning to lie down in, 

to rest and repose in

a cool drink of water on a hot day


and i don't mean in the sense that 

"oh, ladies are so much better at empathizing with folks than non-ladies."

i mean it in this way:  ladies need to take a leadership role in making our community a kinder, more open, more transparent, more welcoming, accepting, and safer place.  

and not because we're ladies, but because someone better do it.  why not us?  why not now?

from what i'm witnessing in my daily and weekly church interactions, in the heart of the sometimes twisted heart of the bosom of mormondom that is utah county, there's a crisis looming. we'd better do something fast.  

sister claudia bushman has said in my presence, at least a half dozen times, "the mormon church is a hierarchy, and women can't climb that ladder.  you have to make lateral space for yourself." 

i've never know how to interpret that exactly, but since sister claudia bushman said it, i keep on trying to figure out how to implement her wisdom in my life.  and i figure that making safer, more open spaces for discussion is, for sure, a lateral move, in the best sense.

let's show everyone we know how to talk in a smarter and nicer way.  

this might sound too optimistic, but i honestly think we can create a sea-change in the way dialogue happens in our church, community, culture, neighborhoods, and families.  regardless of where you fall on this issue, what possible harm is there in trying to understand someone else's point of view or feelings?  can empathetic listening ever be a bad thing?  let's change some of the negative actions we sometimes unwittingly adhere to, those unexamined traditions around our "duty" to condemn those we disagree with.  this is a practice that is purely cultural, and can be discarded without a second thought.  it does no practical or spiritual good to anyone.  and we don't need any one of authority to tell us this is the right thing to do.  we already know it. we've known it for years.  we just haven't practiced it widely or well enough.

warm, and with a nod to sherwood forest

2) i'm reading for my ph.d exams scheduled for december 5th.  this has been one of the most exhilarating and enjoyable things i've ever done in my life.  i've never felt so focused or invigorated by my daily work.  it feels like a miracle that i have ten more weeks to revel in poetry.

my google drive is now cluttered with empty folders and documents of new creative and scholarly work i want to do as a result of my reading.   i vowed not to start new projects until after my exams, so i now just entitle empty documents so i can come back to them if they endure the length of my reading months.  

my mantra for the past few months has been, "focus on finishing."  everyone in my life keeps warning me not to start anything new.  i tend to chicken out on the  finishing part of things.  i'm working on that.  

so i got a little off the gender topic there.  what i was going to say is that i'm reading, of course, tons of gender theory, but also my favorite writers, like sappho, harryette mullen, and emily dickinson, to name a very few, and one of the themes of my reading list is gender performance. i'm trying to figure all that out by december 5th.  

but one thing that has really impressed me, though, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as we say in utah church speak, is that more female voices in the world equals a better world.  in fact, more voices from any where we're not hearing from, or hearing enough from, improves the world.  more voices do not diminish the ones already out there, despite the defensive posture human beings almost ALWAYS take when they feel their territory threatened.  a plurality of voices can co-exist.  

can be beautiful.  

we should try it out. 

more lady poets doesn't diminish the work of gentlemen poets.  

more ladies asking questions about the status quo doesn't hurt a thing.  

does it?  if you disagree, tell me, and i'll do my best to listen with an open mind and a soft heart.

but you would think, given some of the over-the-top responses to ladies' questions that i've seen lately, that lady questions are the scariest thing in the entire world.

i would say, not to put too fine a point on it, that questions 

are always the thing that saves the world, 

and right now, 

it seems like we might need a last-minute save.  

who's gonna step up in her milan 2013 fall leg wear?

who's gonna step up? 

ladies?  are we?

i'll leave you with these two poem thoughts, from emily dickinson and harryette mullen, and an urging for us all to pipe down and listen up, 

lest we miss the best and quietest sounds:

I was a Phoebe — nothing more —
A Phoebe — nothing less —
The little note that others dropt
I fitted into place —

I dwelt too low that any seek —
Too shy, that any blame —
A Phoebe makes a little print
Upon the Floors of Fame —

--Emily Dickinson, Poem 1009

Elliptical

BY HARRYETTE MULLEN

They just can’t seem to . . . They should try harder to . . . They ought to be more . . . We all wish they weren’t so . . . They never . . . They always . . . Sometimes they . . . Once in a while they . . . However it is obvious that they . . . Their overall tendency has been . . . The consequences of which have been . . . They don’t appear to understand that . . . If only they would make an effort to . . . But we know how difficult it is for them to . . . Many of them remain unaware of . . . Some who should know better simply refuse to . . . Of course, their perspective has been limited by . . . On the other hand, they obviously feel entitled to . . . Certainly we can’t forget that they . . . Nor can it be denied that they . . . We know that this has had an enormous impact on their . . . Nevertheless their behavior strikes us as . . . Our interactions unfortunately have been . . .

failing, falling, finding

julie turley sent me these grey chevron with silver metallic fleck tights.  i busted them out yesterday. the dress is from julie turley, too.  one of my favorite dresses.

i had a lot of time to think today on my commute to the university of utah.  on the way up, traffic was so bad that it took two hours, door to door, and on the way down, a five-car accident made the commute at least ninety minutes.

so, while deeply breathing and trying not to feel too trapped or resentful at the universe, i pondered some of the gems i gleaned from michael lee, some of which i've been working on for a while now, and some that were new to me, and made me laugh at their delightfully absurd truths.

1) do today today.  why is it so hard not to live for tomorrow, or not to constantly hike back to yesterday?

2) look for excellence in bad things.  professor lee spoke of a really bad movie that he once saw, and of his decision to look for the excellence in it.  he found it.

3) embrace failure.  i even thought, hey, what about actually seeking failure?  what would that look like?  it could look like taking big risks, or maybe it would involve letting things go--enjoying and being rather than striving?  i can't totally imagine this, but it's something to think about.

it's blessed thursday night!  i'm so happy!

legwear: black pleather jeans.  wow.  so comfortable and warm.  who knew?

inspiration: stuck in traffic

looking forward: to yoga tomorrow

disorder & sublime

michael lee, "the traveller"

last night we performed c.'s extracts from the fall of the house of usher at byu's madsen recital hall.  it was a great crowd, and the piece received enthusiastic response.

max steiner's baton

c. conducted the piece with max steiner's baton.

everyone painted their nails black backstage.  this is the clarinetist.

the musicians painted their fingernails black, donned eyeliner & black lipstick, getting into the gothic vibe.

violinist

today we say good-bye to our good friend michael lee, here from the university of oklahoma to perform as the narrator in the piece, and also to do research in byu's special collections in the max steiner papers (he scored the films king kong, casablanca, and gone with the wind, to name a few).

flute player

mike is a musicologist who specializes in film scoring.  he's also a horror buff, and edits the international journal horror studies.  i'm trying to get him to put together some sort of horror post for halloween, but i'm not sure i can persuade him.

pianist

yesterday michael gave a lecture on the merits of disorder and disorganization.  on the importance of losing and failing.

the traveller makes his entrance

i love a person who comes along and makes you examine and shift your paradigm.  it's been a good few days with a great friend, great ideas, great music, great artists, and people of intensely focused enthusiasms gathered together for a short & fruitful time, making their contributions to the world.

i improvised some black lipstick with an eyeliner

what more could a girl, pulling out her fall tights collection in october, ask for?

Tights High

Tumeric?  Or marigold?  What color are these tights?

I was so excited to put them on this morning, brand new, and the right size.  Brown boots.  Fall and stuff, Lara.

This color, these tights on my legs, got me through my day.

coaching

houndstooth check shift from julie; i wore it for two consecutive days because i miss julie soooo much!

at the end of the artist's way, you commit to continuing morning pages, artist dates, and to checking in weekly with an artist's coach.  (i love morning pages; i hate artist dates and just can't make myself do them.)

i'm super glad i have a coach to check in with, because the past few days have been some of the hardest, the tightest, of 2012.  and yesterday i thought i might fall apart completely.  it was one of those days where i had to talk myself through every breath, every step, of the day.

anyone else ever have those days?

i talked to my coach last night and she told me a bunch of stuff i kind of already know (except for number 3--that's new and i'm gonna try it), but it's different to hear another voice telling you besides your own inner voice, which under difficult circumstances can get muddled and confused.

my coach told me:

1) you already know what to do.

2) ride the wave.  hard times and good times both are fleeting.

3) draw your story on a whiteboard. (i need to do more investigating on this.  it seems like something my whole family could use!)

so,

do you have a coach?

if not, you should.

my coach is one of my dearest friends, a relative, and a person who has unofficially helped me through more difficulties than i can possibly count--including being a labor coach at two of my births.  she's just super talented at coaching.

i also have a few people i think about when specific problems arise--i try to imagine what that person would do when faced with a challenge i know that person is good at handling.  i think about my very organized and practical sister when i'm getting too complicated.  i think about julie when i'm getting dressed and i know my outfit isn't quite right.  i think about ingrid when i want my life to be more magical.  i think of c. when i'm trying to find a workaround for a seemingly intractable problem--he's a genius at that.  i think of eva when i feel like i'm not entitled to ask for what i want or need.  i think of bam when i'm trying to infuse my day with structure, fun, and meaning.

i could go on and on with this list.

the point is, i guess i've used self-coaching for a long time, unconsciously, but it's really interesting to do it more deliberately and with more awareness.

i also did s.o.l.e. on monday and tuesday to try to get through those days.  i'm sure it made me feel better, like, merely horrible rather than completely hideous.  & i wore the houndstooth shift julie sent back from nyc with c. BOTH days.  it just made me feel good to wear something from julie, since we're so far apart geographically.

on monday i wore it with burgandy tights from h&m, the only tights purchase i've made this year, and on tuesday the charcoal tights from last winter, my go-to tights.  with a putty colored crocheted scarf/shawl because it was chilly and overcast yesterday.  i think i liked yesterday's look a little better than monday's.

it's time to fire up every last coping strategy in my tool bag to get through the next super tough eight weeks.

i'm open to ideas, ladies.  or gentleman.

Off on the Tights Foot

Title pun!

Old boots/New tights.  Brand new tights.

Tonight, after a spell last week of less-than-great classes, I taught a class with only ten minutes notice . . . and it was one of the best classes I've ever taught.  Why is that?

Tuesday is my projects day.  I sent two stories out to . . . not that many places, but what little I did felt good. 

Before work, I ducked into my favorite bookstore/cafe for 30 minutes instead of showing up to work early.

My bike ride home tonight was sublime, the night warmer than expected.   The streets were nearly free of cars.  Pedestrians I swerved around looked like they were about to have fun.  Who knows what Tuesday night might bring for them?

I pedaled up the Bowery, the Empire State Building, glowing through the lingering mists that had been this day, and felt full of optimism.

Which is weird, because I had thought this was going to be a bad week, but right now it feels kind of good.