feelings

allison janney, the only celeb i really cared about.  photo by lorri vodi rupard.

coming down from 10 days of crazy juggling--between the kids & house, teaching & school, film screenings, press events, & review writing,  i let my little blog go.

& i'm feeling a bit blue.

& i missed you.

i had many thoughts, feelings (or "feeleens" as it's pronounced in utah), and epiphanies.  but i've grown wary of my epiphanies.  because when the epiphanic moment wears off, it's a huge, huge bummer, and i feel like a fool for having believed it.

i think i'll share any way.  because really, dear readers, sometimes i can't distinguish between true inspiration, too much caffeine, or my daily bipolaresque roller coaster ride of emotions.  maybe you can help me sort it out.  maybe writing it here, for the little portion of the world that visits me in cyberspace to examine, will help me know when to

as kenny rogers so eloquently put it:

know when to hold 'em

know when to fold 'em

know when to walk away

& know when to run.

so here are the Most Important thoughts and feelings i had as a result of attending sundance:

1)  writers need to learn how to create characters, need to do better at fleshing out rather than creating types or making corrective statements to the world with their so-called characters.  also, the absence of smiling or happiness does not = profundity.

2)  filmmakers need better writers.  i saw really superb acting, cinematography and even better editing skillz in practice, but without a good writer, you're screwed.

3) (here's the part you need to help me with--am i just totally delusional and manic right now?)  10 films in 20 years.  i have a plan.  woody allenesque.  come up with a modest budget that i can sustain and fund every two years, a style of filmmaking that looks great even without $$$, and a guerilla film company that is locavore in nature, but maxivore in impact.

4)  filmmaking for social change.  something different from redford's approach, not that his isn't great and super important, but a new angle on it.  something to do with open source, something to do with positive and real work by women.

5) will the high adrenaline, complex multi-tasking and hat wearing, and mix of visual, aural, language, and action of film making, if i am lucky and smart enough to do it, be enough to keep me happy for 20 years?

Showing Up

1.  Turned on our recently acquired TV (purchased for special occasions and disassembled and put away after the conclusion of each one) and watched the inauguration.  I've pointed this out before and I'll point it out again:  Michelle O. and I were born in the same year and our respective female offspring were born in the same years--thus, it follows, Michelle O. and I have a deep connection.  Plus, I want to switch closets with her--but she'd have to be down with my tight-place wardrobe of pleather and tights.

I made this freakishly large so you can see how beautiful it is.

2.  Traveled to the Museum of Modern Art and saw several exhibits, including the performance art of Eiko & Koma, two Japanese artists who have been making art for over 40 years, and in this piece The Caravan Project, they entwine themselves in nest of twigs and grass in a box car, move around slowly within it, move over each other's bodies, and at times, slowly, slowly leave the container, climb on top and around, get close to the viewers, while never breaking the 4th wall.  Photographs were forbidden, unforch.  Eiko and Koma did this all day, and it was stunningly, stunningly beautiful.

3.  Decided to see the final "performance" of The Clock.  Stood in line for 45 minutes to watch for about 35 minutes.  Time flies in The Clock.
4. I've been trying to show up at my novel every single day. It seems to be helping. I now think about it all the time, when I can't write it.
Words: 22,073

sundance, day 2: a list

1) i started out the day writing morning pages, including this vow:  "today i will not be cynical."  i knew i would need some sort of intentional focus as i tramped around the festival, watching passersby glancing at my name tag to see if i was someone they should know. 

i wasn't.

i'm nobody.  who are you?  

but i stayed mostly happy and in the moment all day, not letting my thoughts waft in an existential direction. have i ever told you my mantra?  i repeat it to myself if i think there's a chance i might freak out.  goes like this:

don't think don't think
don't think don't think don't think.

works great.  give it a try some time.


2) then to austenland, a film by jerusha hess of napoleon dynamite fame.  a good midday romp to start off the festival.  nothing existential whatsoever in the film.  full write up to come.

oh, sat by rich white guys discussing (rather loudly) how hard the tax hike was going to be for folks making more than a million a year.  i wished i had a hankie to whip out and hand to them.

3) scored a pass to the miami lounge and some swag.  lula's wearing a cute hat i got there.  too bad it has a patron label on the back.  i'll try to pick it off later.

4) attended red carpet to emmanuel and the truth about fishes, a film from director francesca gregorini, daughter of barbara bach (bond girl) and step-daughter of ringo starr.  ringo was in attendance. as were cast members jessica biehl, sam jaeger, jimmie simpson, alfred molina (!!!) and rooney mara.  i got to do quick interviews with molina and simpson.  guess who was way, way smarter and more articulate?  that's right.  molina.  i really, really wanted to chat with gregorini, and she was the whole reason i attended, but the red carpet ended before she got to me. 

stood by canadian journalists on the red carpet.  canadians are the bomb!

5) took anna and joe, the photgraphers for the red carpet, to the annie leibovitz/ stella artois party.  ate some anti-pasti and marveled with anna, snarkily, at how tacky the stella girls looked.  fun though.  no sighting of annie leibovitz.

so, on the way home, the void started widening, but now i'm lying in bed blogging and watching garfield with moses, so everything's cool again.

but sometime, sometime soon, we need to talk.

oh, and legwear?  this is genius, and ingrid turned me on to it:  two pairs of tights. 

Friday Night: Wordswork

One of my fave things to do is stand on the sidewalk and peer into the East Village Radio booth,  much to the horror of my offspring.  I really ask for so little out of life.

Another Friday night finds me at home.

Save for a quick writing trip earlier out to a tiny coffee shop where everything is served in robin's egg blue cups and saucers, I spent most of the day and night in my grungy tenement working.  Writing and working for free, which is what adjuncts often do.

Around lunchtime, my friend who works in midtown decided to come down from his office and bring lunch in.  And then he had to travel all the way back.  

Tonight, plans were thwarted right and left.  

Twenty-nine degrees outside.  The coldest it's been all winter.

I put some words together.  I heard Barbara Streisand sing Bowie's "Life on Mars."  It's been a strange evening.

Words:  21,819

lady directors

lynn shelton shows touchy feely at the festival this year.

gals, i'm super excited that we're representing at full parity at the 2013 sundance film festival--for the first time ever, 50% of the directors are ladies.

here's my full preview of the festival at the gate.  i'll be posting reviews and interviews there for the next ten days.

freida lee mock directs a documentary about anita hill.  still trying to score an interview with her.

lot's of great looking films this year from guys & gals.

so excited for tomorrow!

CamusGinsbergBurroughsSimonKrupaMoon: A Better Day

Tights: Butternut cable, the kind five year olds wore in the 70s.

Word Count: 20,740

I think I got some better words today.

I have to spend time with this novel every day.  It's like going to the gym.  If I don't, well that will be bad.

I'm reading this book:

 Lara, you won't believe me, but it's as riveting as a Ken Burns' documentary.  Did you know Paul Simon is only five four?

Today the counter boy was welcoming when I showed up in his cafe to write.  I was the only person there.  The boy was reading Camus, and had a Moleskin notebook face down on the counter.  He told me he's a poet and a philosopher and reads "What all people of my age read:  Ginsberg, Burroughs."

Isn't it strange how perennial those writers are?  Young people have all generations have read those dudes since they were first publishing.  I know I did.

Later, while making split pea soup with the not quite full cup of split peas I found in the bottom of a drawer, I watched this: .
Did you know that Keith Moon was influenced by Gene Krupa?  At least that's what Alice Cooper was speculating here.

I know I haven't talked about any female artists in this post.  Except for me. :-)

I learned a lot today Lara.

80's dresses, weekly writing goals

thrifted 80's dress reminds me of grandma eva.

ingrid thrifted this dress for me two summers ago.  i wore it once, to emily's rehearsal dinner, and then never again.  i love it, but am conflicted about it.  you see (let me school you a little on the 80's), back then, this was the kind of dress that my grandma eva, who had mad style, wore to bridge club, ladies' luncheons, and church.

not that it's not totally rad, but back then i was a confused sartorial and musical mixture of punk, new wave, and mod.  as actualized by a classical violin-playing introvert.

as confused as any gal growing up in the barren cultural landscape of mesa, arizona in the eighties.  with a bunch of jocks and metal heads.  has a right to be.

after watching the amazing documentary, everyday sunshine, about fishbone, who i saw live in tempe, arizona in 1986, i got some clarity on the idea of outsider-ness.  i was able to heal a little bit and wear the dress to church on sunday, despite the fact that my largely imaginary '80's mod peers would not have approved.

with ankle boots, tights, and slouchy socks.  just like in the 80's, and still a little bit confused.

this week, my writing goals are tiny and specific:

1)  consider new titles for gentian
2) do another copy edit of gentian
3) fix acknowledgements page of gentian
4) begin revising non-fiction piece for 1/25 deadline

i really wonder what everyone else wore in the 80's, or what you would have worn had you been born yet. . . .